THE TRAGEDY OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

THE PERSPECTIVE OF A FATHER WHO IS ALSO A PEDIATRICIAN

Melvin L Morse MD

I am a 56 year old Pediatrician. I was a Professor at the University of Washington for 20 years teaching Pediatrics. I have two years of Specialized Training in Sexual Abuse of Children at Harborview Hospital and have testified at dozens of trials as an expert witness.

None of that prepared me for dealing with and helping family members deal with children in my greater extended family who were sexually abused by predators. Both of my sisters were severely sexually abused as children, and I have grown up with a sense of protectiveness to both them and to others who have suffered as they did.

Many physicians and leaders in the community were patients of Dr. Bradley. I took my daughters to be examined by him once. My wife and I have endlessly agonized over those visits and are so thankful that we never permitted them to leave the room with him.

However, my prayers and love and respect go out to those whose children were taken out of the room for treats. People have wondered how this could have occurred. Think about it, perhaps the parent is on the phone, or dealing with other children, or just astonished at how quickly he would say “let’s go get our special treat”. Few of us would jump up and make a big deal about it, saying in essence, “I don’t trust you; you can’t take my child for a treat”.

My first comment is for everyone to be compassionate and not critical at the horror of these events. Be thankful that it didn’t happen to you or your family, not critical of those who suffer.

I have heard others wonder why just touching, without physical harm is so damaging to the child? Some people have wondered if the child will simply forget what happened.

WHAT EXACTLY IS WRONG WITH TOUCHING A YOUNG CHILD

It is not the touching that is most harmful. (Emotional abuse is far worse that physical abuse.) It is the introducing a child to adult sexual awareness that is harmful. This leads to a cascade of events that frequently leads to being a run-a-way as a teenager, prostitution, promiscuity, and the failure to form healthy relationships as an adult. These events in turn lead to self loathing, drug abuse, and the inability to create a healthy family. The great majority of adult porn stars, prostitutes, and teen run-aways were sexually abused as children. Often the abuse is as minor as the touching and sex play that doesn’t even seem like “real abuse”.

I will explain to you step by step how the child is damaged by sexual abuse. Please, as you read through this, realize that it is YOU, the community, and the lack of understanding that leads to much of the damage, not the actual sexual touching.

The child knows that the abuse is wrong, on some fundamental level. So the victim turned abuser must introduce the concept to the child in a way that the child can understand. They will often say “if you loved me, you would do this” corrupting the word “love” forever for the child.

1. The abuser tells the child that she or he is “special”, “a princess”, particularly loved, so that ordinary rules don’t apply to the child. The child doesn’t have to obey his or her parents. It is important that the child be able to keep a secret, especially from parents. Something fun, like a toy or candy is offered to the child. If the child can’t keep a secret, then they won’t get the treat.

Think about it. The physical act of touching is nothing compared to teaching a child to keep secrets, that ordinary rules don’t apply, and they don’t have to obey their parents! Now candy, toys, and love are associated with secrets and sexual acts, not childhood fun and love of parents.

2. The abuser has to teach the child what he or she should do. For example, one abused child was taught to masturbate the family dog as a prelude to touching the abuser. It was part initiation, and part sharing a guilty secret. Abusers often start with having the child share a small secret. Then the abuse comes along, and the child is used to keeping secrets.

Once the child has crossed that line, and has done something like masturbate a dog, now the abuser uses that against them. One Dad told me: “I am ashamed that I became angry when I caught my daughter masturbating the dog. I was outraged. I didn’t realize that the abuser would use my anger against my daughter, telling her that I was an angry man who would hurt her if she ever told about the abuse. She later told her that she had to cooperate with the abuse or she would tell me that my daughter was still masturbating the dog. My daughter became afraid of me, which made her that much closer to the abuser.”

3. Once abused, the child now wants to teach and share with others what she has learned. When other parents learn that she is teaching their children about the abuse, or demonstrating it as children will, she is no longer welcome at their homes. She becomes shunned by other children.

4. As she grows up, she will come to learn that sexual power is the only power she has left. She thinks that she can be popular and liked if only she will cooperate with young men sexually. She soon learns to her horror that in fact they despise her for the very thing that said they liked about her. She is called a “whore” or a “slut”. Yet she is just doing what she was taught when young.

Many such woman then decide if they are going to be called one, and hated for it, then they will actually become a whore, as a way to regain their power. Drug abuse is often the only way to dull their senses. Soon they become outcasts from society, and are abused again by pimps who put them to work. Sadly, they often only have value to such men. Nice men who want families rarely choose such women as their mates. They descend further into despair and darkness.

THERAPY CAN HELP BUT IT HAS TO BE THE RIGHT THERAPIST

1. The best therapist in Lower Delaware is Toni Balles Rowe. She uses evidence backed techniques and is highly skilled. Under her care, I have seen patients completely recover within a year.

I am not exaggerating when I say that a skilled therapist such as Toni Balles Rowe can save lives. The known consequences of sexual abuse, which I described above, lead to early death, either from the consequences of drug use, or the lifestyles described above.

The Child Advocacy Center, and Children and Family’s First are outstanding and will refer to you excellent therapists that you can trust.

2. Therapists can in fact make the problem worse! If they use outdated techniques or are not specifically trained on how to interview and counsel children, children can actually be harmed by seeing them. My wife and I have personal experience with this in this community. Email me and I will tell you therapists to avoid!

WHAT CAN WE DO AS PARENTS AND A COMMUNITY?

1. Talk about it! In a calm respectful way. If you see a child acting inappropriately, talk to that child’s parents. Don’t be angry. Don’t be upset. Don’t be surprised if the parent doesn’t want to talk. That’s okay. Be polite and leave the door open for more talking.

2. Recognize that it is the fear of sexual abuse, and the community’s reaction to the child that leads to enormous harm. If you know a child who has been sexually abused, reach out to that child and those parents. Invite them for a play date, or to a birthday party. Be pro-active!

Tell the child’s parents that you will be very attentive and make sure everything “goes smoothly”. Reassure them that you will carefully watch their child and yet not intrude.

Defuse situations. Don’t let children play in hidden areas. Make sure a parent is always present, in a loving way to monitor the situation and make sure everyone is having fun.

3. Interview your counselor. Don’t assume that they know more than you do ! Ask them their qualifications. If they make you feel uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to find another therapist.

4. Recognize that the parents already feel horribly guilty! Comments such as “well, I wouldn’t ever let my child be taken to a different room by a Pediatrician unless I went too” are extremely painful for the parents of abused children to hear. They are already criticizing themselves.

I know of abusers who have conned the therapists at into thinking that their own parents were the problem and that they are the victims. If an abuser can con experienced therapists, don’t be so sure that they can’t con you. Remember, virtually all predators were once victims!

5. Be supportive and loving. Ask what you can do to help! It is overwhelming to deal with these issues Often the best way you can help is to cook a meal or help with house work.

6. AND FOR PARENTS OF ABUSED CHILDREN? GET A REALLY REALLY THICK SKIN. YOU WILL BE BLAMED FOR THE ABUSE, CRITICIZED AND WORSE! SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOUR SPOUSE. FOCUS ON YOUR CHILD. DON’T NEGLECT THE NEEDS OF THE OTHER CHILDREN. PRAY TO GOD. LIVE LIFE.